BMW3a

BMW 3 Series Touring

If ever a car said “must do better” this is a perfect example.

It’s the new BMW 3 Series Touring, the darling of sales reps everywhere, especially as its massive boot will hold 500 to 1,500 litres of paper clips.

Well it may be the dream car for people like the odious Roger Rep but he, of course, will be handed the keys to a BMW 318d. Why?

Because it’s the cheapest of the lot and it averages nearly 66mpg.

Roger will wash it every day, park it on the pavement outside his fitness club and talk loudly at everybody in the pub about how quick it is, with 0-62mph in 8.9s and a top speed of 134mph.

He won’t mention that it’s a diesel, but he will go on about its 150hp and 320Nm (237lb) of torque making him the luckiest sales rep ever.

Secretly, though, Roger will be furious that his sensible boss gave him the sensible choice of BMW 3 Series, rather than one of the other six models that you can order from Friday, even though prices haven’t yet been announced.

Roger’s nagging wife, Melissa, will tell him over gin and tonic, sitting in the conservatory, that he needs to have a word with his boss, Shane, who’s 20 years younger and has graduated from being the firm’s star sales rep to running the whole department.

But no matter how hard he works, Roger will have to do a lot better if he wants to get his hands on a 320d, with 190hp, 400Nm (296lb) of torque and 0-62mph in 7.5s.

To be given a 330d, with 265hp and a colossal 580Nm (429lb) of torque blasting it from 0-62mph in 5.4s and a limited 155mph, Roger would have to sell more copying machines and A4 refills than Shane ever did .

In his ideal world Roger would be selling luxury yachts to billionaires, who live in Jersey and wouldn’t hesitate to give their kids a proper BMW as an 18th birthday present.

They wouldn’t even consider the 320i, with 184hp, 300Nm (222lb) and 0-62mph in 7.6s on its way to 143mph.

What kind of despicable dad would send his children out in one of those?

BMW3b

Nor would they consider the 330i, with 258hp, 400Nm (296lb) of torque, 0-62mph in 5.9s and 155mph.

Oh no, daddy’s darling daughter, Adriana, who shares her name with his yacht and can usually be found in one of Jersey’s 15 Michelin starred restaurants with a young internet millionaire, will get a M340i xDrive.

Why? Because it’s got four wheel drive so she’ll be safe. And anyway she’ll appreciate the fact that, like the whole of the new 3 Series, it’s got a height adjustable electric tailgate.

The one thing she won’t appreciate is its speed. The M340i xDrive’s 374hp 3.0-litre straight six with 500Nm (370lb) torque figure rockets it from 0-62mph in a sizzling 4.5s and a limited 155mph.

Why would Adriana fail to notice that? Because the speed limit in this tax haven island is 40mph.